☆ life

Ganbarimasu!

Ohhh, the emotions going through my head.

You see, I often wonder if coming to stay with my mom, for all of my reasons, was a mistake to make. I moved out when I was 18, as soon as I possibly could. I took a second job just to make ends meet, because I couldn’t stand staying in her house for a moment longer. But with 15 years passing since then, I forgot what it had been like. I had overworked myself in Japan, and I thought that this would let me rest for a moment, and not worry about affording my gas bill on top of rent and food. I was working two jobs too, before I left Japan.

I thought, it’ll just be a stepping stone on my way to Hawaii, and I can see my sister and grandmother too (and maybe my dad).

But the way that my mom treats me, as if I’m worthless, talking over my opinions and feelings acting as if I’m nothing because I’m not married with kids I’m a failure, is really miserable. I’ve mentioned it before, but she rarely says a kind word to me, it’s all criticism, as if writing or drawing is a bad thing to do with my life. As if planning to move away from her is also the worst decision in the world.

Yeah, it was definitely a mistake. I was miserable where I was in Japan at the time, but it was better than this. I was even happier with my ex, who was cheating on me and ended up beating me up (long story, it’s on my blog quite a ways back). It’s sort of sad to say that my mother’s constant verbal abuse is worse, but it is. I’m sure some of us have been there. I’m so eager to forgive, that I’m almost afraid of not being able to cut her out of my life when I even leave.

My book is my only way out right now, I think. Even though I had so many plans between now and when I wanted to leave for Hawaii, including going to TCAF and visiting Japan again, I think that I need to cancel them all. I’m going to need every cent when I get there, and even if I have to take a job as a waitress, I’ll do it to keep on my feet!! And I will draw manga, even if I’m hospitalized from lack of sleep! I’m not going to let anyone stand in my way again. Anyone or anything!

Sorry for ranting. I’m glad that there are so many of you excited for my book, because if I am able to sell enough presales, I can get out of here and handle the distribution from Hawaii instead. The cover is almost finished, and so tomorrow (Monday– I’m writing this on Sunday), I can put it up for presale, I think! It feels strange, and I know that it sounds a bit needy, but I love the book. It’s a huge labor of love, and I know that a lot of you guys loved it, too! It would really, really help if you purchase one! It’s going to be $19.99 (with free worldwide shipping), about 250 pages with illustrations and photos inside (B&w), and full-color cover done by yours truly! The book will come with the e-book for free as an added bonus, and will be signed. It’ll also have some additional extra… like a postcard or a bookmark. I’m not sure what yet. What do you guys prefer? I know that the PairPuri books in Japan came with postcards of the cover, that all joined together into one long illustration when finished, but hmm… there’s only going to be this one volume of this, so…. thoughts, please?

*sigh* I suppose that we all make mistakes. I just have to hold on, keep working hard, and then push on! Luckily, I still only have what fits in my suitcases and a few boxes of books, so it’s simple for me to move (aside from Sansa, of course she’s coming with me! She takes a lot of work to import to the island, though). Mmmm, so yes, in any case. This is my first attempt at making a real, live book, with pages that I hold in my hands. I’ve done magazine and newspaper articles, but this is different. This is all mine. It’s all my story, the story of the time that I worked as an assistant. I went through my old blog, my notes, and my journal from the time and honed it into a jewel that I’m pretty darn proud of. I can’t wait to hold the preview copies in my hands!

So, I’ll be counting on you! You won’t just be buying a really unique, original book that could be told by nobody else, you’ll also be helping me. Helping me turn my life back around, helping me get back on my own feet, and giving me the peace of mind that I need to create first my manga, and then, eventually, my own publishing company that helps find new artists from all over the world and bring the best ever comics to everyone’s doorstep. That’s what’s in my future! Definitely, definitely NOT anything to do with my mother. Not anymore.

I WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW! I’m working for you all, tonight. <3

{I hate feeling so negative. Here’s to making my life step by step more positive!)

(228 geeks have read this)

Hi! This is Jamie Lynn Lano! I am a Washington State (USA) native who: ☆ Holds a Bachelors of the Arts in Media Arts & Animation from AiPx. ☆ Worked as an assistant mangaka in Japan for Konomi Takeshi on The Prince of Tennis. ☆ Was an essay columnist for Asahi Weekly from 2008-2013. ☆ Was the star of Asahi Pop'n Press on Asahi TV (Japan) from 2009-2013 ☆ Was a write for Metropolis magazine in 2010. ☆ Has kept a blog foreeeeeeeeever! First and Current blogs.

22 Comments

  • Shuji Wakahisa

    Hey Jamie-san! It’s me from DA ZeldaMasterFan!

    I’ve been reading all of your blogs every last one of them to the word, you are amazing and I want to say keep going at what you can do. You are truly an amazing person! Many people are inspired by you and motivated to be just as good as you are.

    From the moment I read and came across your blog I felt so happy knowing dreams can be possible! All that is needed is determination, and a lot of courage! I hope to keep seeing more thing from you and keep at it!

    Arigato Jamie-san!

      • Shuji Wakahisa

        Yes! I am still so happy reading all of these entries I really do enjoy it as i feel as if i am right there beside you (not the creepy way hahaha) seeing everything that your adventure brought you through! Honestly I sometimes picture some events in your entries as scenes of an ANIME! No joke!

        I do feel like drawing a few pics of your entries from time to time, I really do look up to you! My sister dose too! I asked her and she honestly told me once i told her about you she said she would work the hardest she can to learn Japanese (She is doing really well at it to be honest)

        If you do make any manga I will be the first one to go up and buy it!

  • zoomingjapan

    I know exactly how you feel. I think we’ve talked about that in detail somewhere on LJ as I might be going back to the same situation soon (just with my father).
    I know how much it can hurt, so I TOTALLY understand why you said that this is one of the worst feelings ever. I know that it made me mentally sick and I just hope that for the time being it will work out somehow.

    Just hang in there, Jamie! ^________^

    • Jamie Lynn Lano

      *hugs* Thank you so much, and yes, I know how you’ve been through such similar things! I hope that it doesn’t hit you as bad as it hit me when you go back, and that you at least have an out! Don’t hesitate to leave the moment that things get bad! I would have by now, only there’s no money and no jobs to be had in this tiny town, or I would have moved on long ago!

  • Aurora

    You are awesome Jamie!!! I have to disagree with your mother. I admire you and I want to be like you because you follow your dreams no matter what other people says.
    You can see here that lots of people support you so be proud of yourself. Again, you are awesome.

    I want your book but I don’t use credit cards but I’ll find any way to buy it (I’m thinking of borrowing a friend’s card)

    • Jamie Lynn Lano

      Aww, thank you! I am always amazed to see how many people online understand me. I wish that my own parents even had the slightest bit of the same sentiment. *hugs*

      If you want, we can arrange things through a money order? You can email me at jamie@jamieism.com if you want to do it that way. 🙂

  • Jamie Lynn Lano

    Haze, you are SO right about societal roles. I’ve been straining against those my whole life. I want to get married (to a woman), but I want that because it’s romantic, and I love the idea of being tied to the person that I love forever, of having a bond and a partner in crime, so to speak. ^^ I never want to have children, though. My cat is enough, and my nieces and nephews are more than enough children for my life (Although I am thinking that I will volunteer to teach children art through a community center or elementary school after I get settled into my new place, and into a routine. But I get to leave them when I go home. 😀 ).

    I think you’re right, too, about projecting hopes and dreams onto children. I would probably do the same thing, and my mom’s life was all about her kids, not a career, so it makes sense that she’d judge people’s worth by the same criteria, even though I don’t think that is a fair way to assess anyone.

    And yep, I’m sure about the worldwide shipping! It will make less profit for me, but I am okay with that, because I love, love free shipping, and I want to spread the things that I love, if that makes sense. 🙂 Plus, if I’m shipping from Hawaii, a lot of places actually are cheaper than from the mainland, like shipping to Asia and Australia. I may not be able to ship overnight (I wish!), but a book isn’t such a big thing. There are also special rates for books that I may be able to take advantage of. 🙂

    • Jamie Lynn Lano

      I have a ton of art on Deviantart! *^^* Here is my page: http://hinoai.deviantart.com/

      Unfortunately, other than the cover, I haven’t been drawing much at all. Not finished pieces, anyways. 🙁 Drawing is my passion, but I wanted to finish my book so badly that I spent almost every waking minute on it. I will try to post more, and include them here in my blog, too! Now that the book is finished, I’ll be drawing pretty much every day, so I am happy about that. 🙂

  • Alexis

    First off I wanted to say that is has been awhile and second the things about what your time in Japan I would have liked to have known that so that I might have been able to help. Now onto your mother I get where you are coming from, but in reality I think she should do two things and one is to let you be you for you are already and adult there is nothing more for her to say and do that she can control in your life. Secondly the whole I want you to get married and have kids thing I get that myself I know it’s kinda serious and not cause it’s my life, but I personally just take it to heart, but respond with jokes like marrying a rich guy. Though if I were to marry I want a loyal and reliable guy. So all I can say is that take it one step at a time and know that it does get better I mean you did leave for Japan, but you shouldn’t regret doing what you do for it’s going to make you that much more stronger as a woman and person. All you have to do live life wanting more and hoping for your dreams to come true cause you know that in life there are all kinds of obstacles that you have either face or overcome. Demons are a little harder for you to overcome so look to family/friends that you have faith and trust the most for support. Also your drawings are awesome, I’d buy them if only I have a credit/debit card.

    • Jamie Lynn Lano

      Aww, thank you so much, Alexis. As for my time in Japan, I think that it was drawing to a natural close. I felt a bit stagnant in life in addition to the other things, and hoped that the change of location would help a lot. It hasn’t been easy, but I did get to know my nieces, whom are really sweet girls, and see other family that I missed. So it wasn’t entirely bad. And I got to visit Forks, which was nice! ^^

      My mother knows that I like girls, and that I intend on marrying a girl. She says that she supports that, but still treats me like less than my siblings, because they’re “more advanced” in life than I am (they have families and I don’t, except for my cat). The funny thing is, they both smoke (pot and tobacco), they never went to college and have never made more than minimum wage, and are married to verbally abusive, cheating spouses (my brother might kill me for saying this, but it’s true). I am single, happy being alone, I’ve never done drugs or smoked, I have a bachelor’s degree, I’ve lived abroad, had great jobs, and other than my cat have nothing tying me down. I don’t get why she thinks so little of me, especially in comparison. :/ If she wants me to be like my siblings, then it makes me sad. I want to help them be happier, not make myself more miserable.

      Yeah, I will take your advice and not regret anything that I’ve done. They do make me who I am, after all. For example, I know now that building up savings is going to be a top priority for me. I never, ever want to have to rely on anyone else or stay with anyone else, ever again. I used to think that money wasn’t important for happiness, but if having none means living with my mom again? Money is definitely my happiness. XD I’d happily be a waitress to make ends meet than move back here, even though I definitely will continue building my manga empire until it can sustain me and I can start bringing in more artists and pay them, too! 🙂

      And hmm, your comment about credit/debit cards makes me wonder. I will do my absolute best to come up with a way for everyone who doesn’t have one, to buy things! Cash in the mail is risky, but I wonder if checks/money orders are a viable solution, or what other solutions there might be. I will think about it! Any suggestions?

      • Alexis

        In my situation I can relate to being belittled by your folks well for the most part I got it pretty bad from my dad at a young age and then my siblings decided that they too could do the same thing I mean when my kid sister did something bad she blamed me and I got her punishment of course I couldn’t fix that and as time went on my dad caught on to her, but I had it bad with my brother with him being the baby he got babied all the time. You see when I hit the end of my middle school years was hard, I mean I was constantly making friends only to have them lie and betray me I only had a few girl friends as for guys they had my back. I ended up having a rumor spread about me and a friend being gay, but at the time I didn’t really understand what that meant and yet I did and the one that spread it was the guy I was crushing and a good friend it started after our 8th grade field trip and I could take it that was until I heard it from my sister who said that all the grades knew about said rumor and as did the principal at school, but only took action once my friend involve with the rumor had her mom call in. I had to sit there with her and the ones behind it and boy was I pissed I wanted to beat the shit out of them both. eventually I went to high school at a different school because of my dad wanting to change careers. I t was hard to make friends at that point so I stayed by myself for the most part during lunch for at least 2 months until I was approached by a friend and meeting her lead me to meet the coolest and some loyally good friends who I am still friends with. After high school I left home to move in the friend from middle school and we had fun I had no dad telling me what to do and saying that my dreams where bs and what not. I mean ever since I started high school his verbal abuse got worse, but at home I was and still am a hermit. I tend to stay away from him my sister always fought with him at times. We came to the conclusion that dad is a hypocrite. I mean anime and manga are nice and I told him that and was cool with it and when I asked if he wanted to go to a con. he did a 180 and started to bash it as well as the people who liked it, but what hurt the most was that he dissed it knowing where it came from and considering my mom is Japanese well you can guess. Now with college I was happy to once I came home, but with that came a shit load of problems like my sister had recently finished high school, I had started attending classes only to have my dad tell me that I needed to have a job and to clean the house but my siblings didn’t need any responsibility. Mom didn’t want us to have a job while we were in high school so that was understandable, but I had to do a lot and grades started to slip and then we moved so I tried to go to the Art Institute but same thing happened, by that time sis had finished her trade schooling and was working near my school, so it helped after I totaled my car, but it still hindered me cause her work hours and my school hours clashed, so I had to drop a few class and then all together drop out after I had done that I quit my job because of poor management sister did the same since we worked together. As of now it’s still hard I mean I left home because of my dad pressuring me to get a job which is hard and I have to pay my student loan. I have no one here, but I am waiting for a guy to rescue me. I just wish I had another person in my corner like my sister does now.

        • Jamie Lynn Lano

          *hugs* I’m in your corner!!! I know how it feels, and I’m so sorry that you have to go through all of that!! Sometimes, it feels as if the whole world is against you, and you just want to break down and cry. That’s okay, too, as long as you pick yourself up afterwards and get back to work. Do you know what I mean?

          Also, never, ever wait for a guy to come and rescue you! Never depend on a guy at all, actually. If you are able to stand on your own two feet, you will be much happier. No woman anywhere needs a guy to support her. Trust me. If there’s anything that I can do to help, let me know! I don’t want you to have to resort to that. Why don’t you email me at jamie@jamieism.com?

  • Altaecia

    Oops I forgot to mention , I think a post card would be nice although I’m always looking for a bookmark!

    • Jamie Lynn Lano

      Awesome! I’m leaning towards post card too, but you know me, I’m really crafty, so I might try to make bookmarks, too. Aaaaah! It depends on how much time I have. I’d LOVE to make acrylic charms, but they wouldn’t be ready in time, I don’t think… Or, hmm…. well, hmm. I don’t know. :3 Maybe I’ll save them for my comic. 🙂

  • Altaecia

    Just think you have so many of us around the world that are here and support you, so your mom can put that in her pipe and smoke it! You don’t need to be married or have kids to amount to something! You are amazing and talented! I know I don’t know you personally but I’ve followed your blog for years and have always wanted to help you realize your dreams and with that being said I look forward to pre ordering your book! Keep up the good fight!!!

    • Jamie Lynn Lano

      Ahaha! You’re pretty awesome, has anyone ever told you that?

      Thanks so much! I will need your support and the support of everyone, but I’m not going to give up. Not ever ever ever, and I will NEVER come back “home!” (My real home isn’t where my parents are, anyways ^^)

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