☆ artsies,  ☆ life

Depression x me x The squiggly line of success

So……..

I haven’t been writing a lot. It’s fair to ask why. I mean, I’ve been blogging for something like 12 years, starting with livejournal, and before that I was email chatting and writing or roleplaying to sort through my emotions with other people that were into ElfQuest (I got into anime from the recommendation of an EQ buddy). So, why I can’t write recently has been a question that’s really been weighing on my mind.

Or, well, it was weighing on my mind.

Oh, I’m depressed again.

I feel like Allie Brosh (without the massive fan following, because let’s face it, she’s really awesome), and probably a ton of other awesome people, both artistic and not, out there. Depression sneaks up on me, and latches on, and then ten days later, I’m left wondering why I’ve only drawn half a page, and want to erase it all and start over, but the day before it started, I storyboarded nine pages, drew three, and then cooked a delicious dinner for my family.

Like a lot of people prone to depression, I’ve fought it on and off throughout my life. I am a generally happy person– always chipper and positive, even when I’m down– but depression makes me listless, and wallow and rot away, and get frustrated because the pencil in my hand just will not move the way that I want it to.

For me, the best way to deal with it that I’ve ever found has been blogging and sharing my life with others. So, I am going to beat it (again), and hope that you all stay along with me for the ride! I am almost done with Denkiki chapter one.  I am almost done with the first draft of my Tenipuri Assistant epic (I want to write it ALL and then set my blog to automatically update every morning with one post, and then I will get down and start editing it/adding in things for the book version that I promised… which truthfully I have already started doing, too.. I couldn’t resist!). I have been getting to know my family and my sister again, and her three kids. It’s a weird, weird, transitory period in my life right now. I sort of don’t know what to do.

I’d like to go to Japan soon, pick up some things that my friends are holding onto for me and see the new Hunter x Hunter movie, and then of course jet off to Hawaii. But the other day my mom said that she wants to get some more surgery done and can’t I stay to drive her around to her medical appointments for another month or two or ten?

I WANT TO START MY LIFE AGAIN. I came here to help out, and to get help in return. I could concentrate on resting, drawing, and get a fresh start, not have to pay rent for the first time in 15 years (YAY. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN), and patch up some holes that being so far away in Japan had created in my family life. I’d also just lost both of my jobs on tv and writing for the paper in Japan. (Well, not lost, so much as the terms ended) But when I arrived in Washington and tried to catch up on the sleep that I’d lost while packing up nine years of life, I got depressed without realizing it. I really miss my friends like crazy, some things about the US drive me crazy, and don’t really know what to do anymore. I know that I have to get out of here, soon. But I need to pull myself out of depression first!

Thanks for listening, everyone. I love you all. I will see you tomorrow, with something more awesome to say than this! <3

NEXT STEP: Blog a LOT. Lot lot lot! Finish manga/book. (I also have an etsy shop open now! Please look!) Go to Japan and say a “final” (it’s never final. Japan is my home) goodbye, collect the last of my things, and enjoy myself a bit drowing in Hunter x Hunter everything, come back to Washington to finish Sansa’s pre-export requirements, and then get my butt to Hawaii and start a new life! I have a lot of plans to videotape everything. Ahh… it sort of makes me excited thinking about it.

But first, NO MORE DEPRESSION. Come on, I know that I can do it….

(225 geeks have read this)

Hi! This is Jamie Lynn Lano! I am a Washington State (USA) native who: ☆ Holds a Bachelors of the Arts in Media Arts & Animation from AiPx. ☆ Worked as an assistant mangaka in Japan for Konomi Takeshi on The Prince of Tennis. ☆ Was an essay columnist for Asahi Weekly from 2008-2013. ☆ Was the star of Asahi Pop'n Press on Asahi TV (Japan) from 2009-2013 ☆ Was a write for Metropolis magazine in 2010. ☆ Has kept a blog foreeeeeeeeever! First and Current blogs.

27 Comments

  • angel

    Hi Jamie! I just want to tell you that you’re not alone. I have a tendency to slip in and out of depression too. I know it’s hard and like you, I’m generally a cheerful person which is why most people don’t even suspect that I go in and out of depression and anxiety.

    If anything, all I want to say is that you have love and support from so many people, like me, even if we haven’t met physically before.

    Coping is different for everyone, but what I found most helpful for myself (especially when I went through about a year of being suicidal) was looking for things I would look forward to doing. For me, it was my singing lessons, getting coffee and cake from my favourite cafe and then buying a book every week. If you can find something that makes you want to look forward, I think that can help. All we can do is to take our time and let our hearts and souls recover bit by bit. You’ve been crazy strong for so long, especially with what you’ve been through, and now it’s time for you to just pay attention to yourself.

    The fact you’re blogging and sharing is a great step! You said it helps you feel better, so do it as much as you need!

    You’re a beautiful person from what I gather from your blog entries. You’re also incredibly talented and I hope you can make your dreams come true ♡

  • hirami

    you can still write and talk with your friends via internet, right? =) I’m sure there are a lot of people who will be there for you if you need them. (sometimes it’s just hard to say
    “I need a little help” )

    Wish you all the best :3 ganbatte~

  • Jonnie

    You can do it Jaime!! Your blog always brings a smile to my face and I can’t wait for more entries! (7 years of following and counting!) With that said, do what makes you feel happy. Trying out new things is scary but I know you’ll make the best of it! Everything we go through builds our character. You are one of my most favorite bloggers because I love your honesty and fighting spirit. Most importantly, I love that you are you. New year, new memories and exciting adventures, right? I may not know you personally but I’m rooting for you! Fighting!! <3

    • Jamie Lynn Lano

      Jonnie, you’re so awesome! Keeping up with me and my craziness for so long! I love you! <3

      Awww, what you wrote made me tear up. I try to be as honest as possible, although sometimes when I look back, I realize that I was hiding things from myself without even realizing! That's part of growth, though, isn't it?

      I feel better about 2014 now. Growth ftw! I won't give up, no matter what happens! 😀

  • zoomingjapan

    Hey,
    finally things are moving on for you! That’s great!

    You’ve got way more experience with this it seems, but are you sure it’s depression and not just anxiety?

    I know exactly how you must feel right now. Probably I’m going through a similar process in a few months as well.

    I wish you all the best luck with moving to Hawaii and starting your new life there. ^___^

    • Jamie Lynn Lano

      *hugs* It’s definitely depression. I do get anxious about things like calling people I don’t know, but moving and the like only make me excited.

      Thanks, and I hope that you’ll come to visit me in Hawaii once I’m settled! If I only had money, I’d already be in Hawaii. It sucks being poor.

        • Jamie Lynn Lano

          Nope! I basically haven’t found any jobs. I didn’t want to work in Wal Mart or at a fast food place, and there is nothing else but that and logging in this little town. My skills aren’t useful at all. So I might have to work at Wal Mart after all, because I can’t seem to finish my manga and book like I was hoping. In the meantime, I’m still working on them at least!

  • KC

    good luck Jamie! you know, you don’t really have to force yourself to blog, but i’m always happy to hear about you! you will find a way to deal with everything… hang in there!

  • Caroline

    I completely understand that frustration. Lately I find myself paralysed in front of my sketchbook. I start drawing but then I feel disappointed in my work so the following days I simply just leave the book open with maybe an idea scrawled on the top of the page. My one friend implored me to set a half hour and shut off the electronics and draw. I’ve given up on using an eraser because otherwise every page would be empty.

    It’s frustrating to feel like you’re stuck somewhere too. I’ve been working part time since I finished university and will have to until I go to college which will hopefully result in a better job. Stagnation is the bane of our existence.

    You’ve made plans though! Hawaii will come soon enough! Also, your drawings are fantastic! I enjoy seeing every one! You take fantastic photos of all the things you see too! I look forward to seeing more ^^!

    • Jamie Lynn Lano

      YESSSSSS, exactly! Maybe I should do that– leaving the book open with ideas scrawled on it. I already have countless notebooks filled with scribbled ideas that I’ll probably never look at again..

      I hope that I can make the move soon!! It’s hard. Even harder being stuck in a small town, but with friends cheering me on from all over, I feel like I can do it! ^^

  • Skay

    Hello Jamie!

    I know what you’re going through, it’s just something that any artist or any person in general goes through. Especially when something quickly changes or you’re stuck in a boring routine. When that happens we start thinking about a lot of things and we get depressed before realizing it.
    It have been my first time having a long depression and I stopped drawing too it’s so annoying…! So from an artist in depression to another, I want to tell you to FIGHT! You had a wonderful life and you still do, you should just start seeing the good part of things! If you miss Japan, go back to it, if you want to travel, keep traveling. If you decide to change a certain thing do it. But if you start thinking of changing because of someone close to you pushing you to, then don’t. Always remember it’s your life and you can whatever you want with it.
    Well I hope everything goes well for you, so keep drawing even if you hate the result (it happens a lot) !!
    I know you can do it.

    Love,
    Sahar.

    • Jamie Lynn Lano

      Sahar, thank you. ^^ I wish that it was that easy, but I’m not rich, so I can’t just go where I want to. I am trying to make money though, so that it changes. Ahhh, how much nicer it would be to be from a rich family! As soon as I can afford to, I’ll be out in the tropics, learning a new place. I’ll be much happier, I’m sure.

      Thanks for listening to me!

  • serena

    I get what you mean, it’s hard to get out of depression. I know some of it too.

    Anyway having a lot of things to do helps, so it’s a good start. I’m sure you can do it 🙂 ganbatte!!

  • willeke4439

    *Hugs*

    What you have sounds exactly like a “reverse culture shock” to me, or at least that might be a part of why you’re feeling depressed right now.

    http://www.expatica.com/nl/health_fitness/well_being/Reverse-culture-shock-101_16451.html

    We just went over this in my Globalization class last week, apparently it’s something that everyone goes through to some degree after returning home from a long period abroad, that can’t be helped. The good thing though, is that everyone will recover from it over time as well. At first you might hate everything about the US and miss everything in Japan, but after a while you’ll regain the balance again, realizing that both places have their positive and negative sides.

    Writing seems to be one of the recommended ways to cope with it, as is talking about it to anyone who is willing to listen. ^^

    • Jamie Lynn Lano

      *hugs back* Thanks, Willeke. I do think that’s a part of it, even though I was fed up with a lot of things in Japan (smoking, no insulation, the racism, sexual harassment). I definitely do miss it, and America has changed a lot since I even last visited. ;_; I think that a bigger part of it is all of the fun HxH stuff going on right now, and that all of my friends are back there. If I had friends in this part of Washington, then I’d probably have a much better time here. I’m not from the area that my mom lives in, though, so I don’t have anyone. ;o;

      I have to keep trying!

      • willeke4439

        I see ^^ Yeah, keep doing your best!

        When are you coming back, you think? If you want to see the HxH movie, you might want to hurry, because my local cinema already stopped screening it this week. Bigger places probably still have it, but I have no idea for how long… orz;

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